Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
