Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
