sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
