I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
