so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
