You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
