happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
