My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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