I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
