Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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