So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
