Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
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Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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