I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
