false alarm. still invincible.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
