You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
