Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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