today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
