woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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