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So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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