I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
