I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
