you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
