11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Randomize
