I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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