FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
