puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
