Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
