I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
