You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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