Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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