Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
