You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize