were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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