Pants 0. Shit 1.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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