Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
