There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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