my phone needs a breathalizer
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Such a big mess for such a small penis
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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