Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
