Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
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Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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