paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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