matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
They took my balls.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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