Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's blow job season.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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