the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
