tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
