i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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