i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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