I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
