I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
