the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
