So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
