I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
this is an emotional support booty call
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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