Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
