He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Randomize
