Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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