Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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