well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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