Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
