I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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